Recently, these days has been shitty. I have the Abercrombie essay, three weekly posts, a six paragraph essay to write, editing my personal essays, finishing my UC application, start my resume; there’s just so much to do. We have a minimum of 1750 words due by Friday and hopefully, I will finish all my shit by the end of next week. So much for relaxing. A couple weeks ago, I even contemplated suicide for like five seconds. I felt like shit from stomach and eye pain, pressure from school and getting accepted into a good college. For those five seconds, I felt better. It was strange feeling; knowing if I left this world, I would be free from all the pain and pressure. Let me get this straight - I am NOT suicidal. I just never fully understood why people committed suicide as their escape from the pressure and the pain. In those five seconds, I felt liberated. Free, and the pressure was gone. I felt extremely light and the pain from the pressure in my shoulders subsided. I was amazed, that such a self-destructive thought can be so enlightening; I seriously felt at peace with myself. I feel like everyone should go through that thought process at least once in their life - it seems necessary to truly understand the value of life. I understood that despite my tiny existence, people may be affected if I just left. I understood that I was not alone. Then again, after that experience, I have been more lonely than ever before.
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